Not A Pussy Amongst Us

This past Sunday I took part in a time-honored tradition, the family picture. It got me thinking about old family pictures that I’ve seen and when I say old, I mean sod house, get the kids out of the field, no one smiles because Ma’s vagina is tired from Irish twins type of picture. Always extremely posed and everyone dressed in the best clothes they had, but never a smile amongst them. Apparently, the lack of smiles wasn’t because life was hard, but rather due to the slowness of exposure time, which in early photos, was up to 10 minutes. Yeah, can you imagine the fake smile that anyone could hold for 10 minutes? (Coincidentally, I may be looking for that fakeness at the GOP debates tonight.)

But back to my current family photos, with our digital cameras and instant gratification. Since my little bro, Tiny T, is a photographer, we had access to all the equipment we would need, plus his fabulous mother-in-law agreed to come along and snap the group shot.

I should have known this would be a partial cluster fuck, just by virtue of it being an all-family activity. It’s intrinsic.

It all started when my mother sent out an email “Calling all kids and dogs.” I didn’t have to ask, I know that adding the dogs to the photo was her ploy to make me feel involved and want to be there. I am very grateful that she understands how much the bitches mean to me and that they are my children. Both of my brothers have spouses and kids, so they have their little families going on and inevitably, the big photo always turns into little group photos of the off-shoots of the family and without my bitches, I am a headshot that would probably make a good obituary photo. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life, my bitches, and Man Friend, but those solo moments are simply a reminder that I am solo. Family stuff like that is tricky. I have a tendency to believe that you make your family. Family doesn’t have to have a legal binding or shared gene pool. That doesn’t compute with a lot of people.

So I was really glad that Momma M asked for the dogs to be involved. Here’s the fun part: Logistics. The family consists of 11 humans and six dogs. Five of said humans are children aged six or less. Two of said children have not yet one year under their belts. The oldest dog would be my Alli and she’s only six. Dixon the terrier who thinks he’s a Dane is close behind her in age and what he lacks in size, he makes up for in panache. Add Joey, a third GSP named Ranger, the Lab puppy Magnum, and Buddy, the world’s biggest Golden, and you have a busy photo.

In actuality, the fun started before I even left town. The plan was to take the pics at 5:00 p.m. at the park in Dell Rapids. That’s where my mom grew up and my brother and his family live now, so there’s some history there. Anyhoo, since there is an issue of chronic lateness with us and since I was double-booked for the evening, I wanted to make sure the pics started promptly at five. So I sent out a text that said, “Can we please start promptly at five tonight cuz I have another comittment. Thx.”

I said please and thank you. But somehow it turned into a couple shitty texts in which someone told me to not come and I said I wouldn’t if it wouldn’t hurt my mother’s feelings. I wasn’t in the mood for a speech about how we haven’t had a family pic since December 1988.

So then I ended up on the phone with the other brother and then he was calling the mother and then the other brother was calling him and the first brother was calling me again. But the good part was that everyone was on the road to Dells by four, so things looked good for my start time.

The second part of the agreement was that the humans would wear jeans, or denim pants as Momma M might say, and either a brown or navy shirt or sweater. I had a fabulous pair of skinny Levi’s, some boots, and this really cute almost cowl-neck, low slung brown sweater that was super cute when I was getting ready. It wasn’t super cute when I got out of the car and the wind was gusting.

There I was, trying to walk the dogs up to the bath house, them pulling like mad cuz they wanted to go in the river and run in the park. I wasn’t interested in wet dogs since we were there for business. Then Alli slipped her leash.

At this point, I have Joey in one hand and a leash in the other, and my sweater isn’t covering anything. Everyone knows that I am wearing a gray Vicky’s push-up bra. I am Tits McGee. And I am screaming like a banshee, hoping to keep Alli out of the river.

She ran into the bath house and under the bath house, but thankfully came back dry. Then they saw Dixon and tangled me up in their leashes. I dropped about six f-bombs and threw an Oscar-worthy fit. Between the stress of the whole mess, the text fight, wind, leaves, Tits McGee, and dog leashes wrapped around my legs chaos, I had a meltdown. I think I screamed something about not wanting to fucking be there. Sigh. At least I don’t suppress my emotions anymore.

Thankfully, my dad grabbed Alli and got me untangled. And Tiny T was ready to take pics of me and the bitches. His wife had to tuck my sweater into the back of my bra to keep the pornographic element out of the shot. Somehow, in just a few clicks of the camera, Two Bitches and a Dirty Lady were captured.

The big group shot wasn’t quite as smooth. Every time the kids were set, a dog would move, or vice versa. A couple times, Joey, who was in my lap, would start licking baby Will’s face, which he thought was great, since he loves the bitches. But then they wouldn’t be looking at the camera and would be blocking me. The camera just kept clicking and I’m guessing the outtakes might be better than the actual shots. Momma M kept messing with my sweater. We certainly weren’t grumpy-faced and holding frowns for 10 minutes.

I’ll post some pics when the editing is complete. It’ll probably end up being a holiday photo or something. As we were taking the pic I realized what a dog family we truly are and think that “Not A Pussy Amongst Us” might be the perfect caption for the fiasco.

Domestication...

I’ve been overly domesticated this week. Not a bad thing, it’s just not too often that you’ll find me on my hands and knees scrubbing the toilet with a toothbrush like a tweaker who’s run out of marbles to stack. Come to think of it, I can’t ever say I’ve actually used a toothbrush to clean anything other than my teeth. I’ve washed clothes and dishes, mopped floors, and get rid of books, CDs, and clothes that I no longer use. Shit, I even organized the shelves in the furnace room. I found a bunch of roaches and about 40 spent matches. Yeah, not critter roaches. A nice little reminder of how far I have come.

I even spent some time trying to perfect a recipe like a good little house woman. Man Friend will be getting perfect bacon-wrapped scallops on Sunday thanks to that experiment.

I don’t really think of any of it as nesting since I’ve been here for years. Part of me enjoys the element of control that I can have over my home. I’ve been feeling a little undisciplined as of late and there is something very satisfying about feeling comfortable and uncluttered in your home.

I got a little nutty recently and spent a Sunday afternoon feeling shitty about myself and ended up sitting at the back door crying. Bawling was more like it. Where your face gets all sad and messed up and you get so frustrated with yourself for being dumb and you don’t even really know why you’re crying bawling, but on some level, it is a decent release, so you just go for it bawling. So I did that for a while.

Then I kind of got it together.

Then I fell apart again.

I couldn’t really tell you why. Sometimes everything catches up with me and I’m 19 again and life is overwhelming. Maybe someday I’ll explain myself more.

But when I fell apart again, I could taste gin.

So then there was the conversation with myself about going to the Top Hat. The purpose was to drink gin.

Sigh…

So that conversation went on for a bit and Alli talked me out of it because I promised her she would never see me drink. And since everything was overwhelming and yucky and I didn’t know what to do with myself, I got on my bike.

It was one of those really hot, humid days and I rode and rode as fast as I could. I did sprints up and down the boulevards. And thankfully, I started feeling human again. Sweat is a healer. Whatever the nastiness was that was making me nuts was flowing out my pores.

And when the ride felt like it was done, I sat and faced the sun. I know you’re supposed to listen to hippy dippy music when you meditate, but Tom Petty “Wildflower” seemed appropriate. I don’t know if it was the sun or the sweat or Tom, but when it was all said and done, the thought I left with was that anything worth possessing can be carried within your heart. I think I was feeling a little crushed by my stuff.

So began the domestic journey. Getting 100 items out of the house was just the start. I kept a list to 107 just so I knew that I met my goal. I made a little bank getting rid of some stuff and brought the rest to Goodwill. The nice part was remembering to feel grateful that I had a place to clean instead of being annoyed by having to clean. The smallest shifts in my attitude seem to make the biggest difference.

Codogpendence...

Maybe it's too much Elliot Smith or Nick Drake this afternoon, but I am feeling a bit lonely. I know part of me misses Man Friend terribly. He is barely in town for two days each week. And I know we're supposed to have the positive attitude about him having a job and be grateful. We are. It's just hard when you wait 33 years for someone and then he has to leave all the time. I guess five days a week is a flash in the pan when I waited 33 years.

And on some level, the loneliness is my fault. I am quite adept at the self-imposed exile. No offense intended, but I don't really like people generally. Perhaps it's from having to have my smiley face and A game on at work. Perhaps it's because my Anne Frank quality always makes me look for the best in people and time and time again those people have disappointed me. Being hurt is part of being real, so I will take my knocks. And I will still expect the best out of people. I'll take that over being one of those negative Nancy types who expects the worst and then is pisses when she gets it, or as my friend said, "You'd kill your parents and then bitch that you were an orphan."

However my relationships with my fellow humans turn out, I always have the bitches. I have been accused of having a codependent relationship with my dogs. Fuck that. I'll take codogpendence. They listen to my problems so they save me money on therapy. And try to find a shrink who would lick away your tears... Wait maybe that wouldn't be so hard. They also save me money because they are my personal trainers. Two crazy bitches are stellar motivation to get up and go for a run or walk. Plus, they are excellent cuddlers when Man Friend is away. Dogs are capable of unconditional love in a way humans aren't. They never take a bad day out on their human. Fuck even dogs that had nothing but bad days can learn to love humans again.

I know they are wired differently and can be conditioned to be good or bad. But maybe humans should work a little more on conditioning themselves to be good. Maybe I need to start asking myself "What would Alli do?" when I am having a dilemma. Perhaps it would translate into better choices and a better existence for me. I'll just have to keep the translator on so I introduce myself instead of sniff people's asses.

Heartless Bitch with No Children

I was visiting with one of my soon to be ex- neighbors last night and it still amazes me that anything amazes me anymore. He was one half of the nice couple who moved in to one of slumlord's apartments. They each had a child from a previous relationship, his a marriage, hers possibly a Marilyn Manson concert where two chicks fucked each other with a giant double dong on stage.

Okay, I don't know if the child was actually conceived at the concert, but she did tell me that story one time.

Anyway, they also had a child together. I think they are both decent people, just that life has been filled with struggles. We all talk enough that I would know when they were fighting or he was drinking or she ran off to be with her family for a few days and left him with the kids. He has a job, she wa trying to find one that fits with the kids' schedules. It is really the same story that is being played out on different levels all over.

So I knew things hadn't been great with them for awhile and I knew they were looking for a better place so they would have more room, but I was surprised to see him moving out last night, new "roommate" in tow, go ahead and read into that, and her and the kids no where to be found.

He relayed the news of the break-up, adding a fews details I didn't need to know and ended with a sentnece that stopped me in my tracks. "We got the whole thing worked out with the baby, every other weekend, and no child support," which came out in an almost proud way, like he got away with it, since he was already paying to the ex-wife on the other child.

It's moments like these that I want to bitch slap people and explain that birth control never asks for child support. Condoms don't need your time. I wanted to ask the new roommate if she was already knocked up since he seems to have such strong swimmers, although I'm not entirely certain she would have gotten the joke.

And I wonder what will be of the ex and the kiddos? She was bewildered that I am 33 years old and have no children. I wanted to explain to her not getting pregnant was easier than getting pregnant.

I propose putting birth control in the water system and if you want to have a child, you must apply for the antedote. Condoms would still be a necessity for disease prevention, but is anyone else with me?

We're Fucked Moments...

You know how Oprah had those “a-ha moments?” The moments were the lights clicked on and some concept or idea sunk in and made perfect sense? I guess I have those from time to time, whether or not I give O-dog the naming rights. And although I am definitely a half glass full type of gal, I must say that I’ve had more “we’re fucked moments” as of late.

Perhaps it’s from watching too much cable news coverage. The high stakes game of chicken that those fuckballs in DC play. The millionaires and billionaires fighting over football money when the real losers of no season would have been the local economies on game day. The ignorance of not rationing health care when nobody wants to do anything preventative to take care of the one body s/he was given. The weather and its impact on infrastructure around the county. I could go on and on, but it gets tiresome reliving the negativity.

Sometimes it just makes me want to sell what I can and buy one of those 80 square foot houses. I could set up home somewhere quiet and live out my days with the bitches, not having to contemplate the fuckatude in this society that nearly takes my breath away on a daily basis.

I used to think that many of my peers couldn’t have the intelligent conversations regarding these issues simply because of their youth. I assumed that an active interest in news and politics at some level would have to happen as we got older and were shouldering more of the tax burden, wanting a further education, or desiring a better environment for the children we were raising.

Turns out I was the naïve one.

And apparently ignorance must be bliss.

Man Friend’s mom texted me earlier today to express her disgust that Michele Bachmann was on NPR, her sacred radio station of progressives. I got a chuckle out of it, since we are usually on the same page politically and both detest Bachmann. I made a comment to a co-worker, who I respect as a hard working, smart person. “Who’s Michele Bachmann?” she asked with a quizzical expression on her face.

And so it goes…

Dumbfounded, I made another Bachmann on NPR to a different respected co-worker. That person hadn’t heard of her either.

I found myself wondering just what do people think about all day if they aren’t aware of the biggest news stories and issues facing our society. Seriously, like what do people think about? I have had to learn to meditate so I can shut my brain down and not drive myself completely fucking crazy thinking about how much water is needed to drill for natural gas or why people who chose to have children don’t all recycle and conserve resources. Even if it’s bliss, ignorance is still ignorance.

I always figured when the ship went down and Rome was burning, there would be plenty of us dancing. Now I don’t even think many of us would hear the music. Most will probably be wandering around, looking for a Budweiser and staring at our smart phones, wondering why the status updates aren’t going through.

But fuck it. I’m glad I think about all of it. One of my professors at UNL said my greatest gift and my biggest curse was my ability to see the big picture. I am still learning how to not drive myself nuts while fitting all the pieces together.

The Accusation...

I was accused of over sharing. Well, not really accused, but I was told that I share a lot and it wasn’t exactly presented to me as a compliment. The funny thing is, I don’t even talk about half of what is going on in my head and if need be, am a Fort Knox of secrets, even from family. I can provide character references to attest to that.

But yes, I took the statement as an accusation, although I do not believe that was the intent, and needed some time to reflect on exactly why. The person would felt that I share too much is probably reading this and I consider him/her to be a smart, funny individual. An individual who also shares a lot via social networking, but his/her sharing is more about music or seeing humor in the insanity of this world. So I guess s/he is a sharer in a different way.

There are parts of me that are private. There are parts of me that I only share with the bitches and my closest humans like Man Friend. But there are also parts of me, like my struggles with drinking or men that I am totally open about, whether it’s in this forum or a more personal setting. Maybe you have to get to a place where you have been stripped of everything but your stories to realize just how much power your words have.

I remember walking down the street one day with Alli in the pre-Joey days. We were strolling along 15th and I came to the conclusion that I own nothing. Part of it was being fairly fresh off of a break up in which many material possessions and one canine were taken from me. But it took losing those things to make me really understand what I valued. It didn’t matter what titles or legalities might apply, the only thing I really possessed was my sense of spirituality and self. I didn’t even own that beautiful bitch next to me, she was her own little spirit and I was somehow lucky enough to have had her dance into my life.

So “stuff” took on a new meaning and I learned that the real power in ownership is in owning your own shit. That sentence will make perfect sense to you or no sense at all. And that’s okay. Part of my owning my shit is acknowledging the validity or ridiculousness of my thoughts and feelings. Sharing them might help somebody else. I know it helps me.

ES Adventures on the Town

Her name was Elizabeth Street and she was one of those chicks that everyone got along with. Not the coolest girl in the room, but confident enough and funny enough to never consider having to sit alone, sometimes even when she wanted to. The kind of girl that guys who knew socially described as the perfect woman, probably because they never felt her claws. A bit on the tall side, she carried her weight well, and her dark features were that of the girl next door. She’d finished college, but didn’t really go to college with the intention of a career, and it wasn’t like there was a ton to do with a sociology degree, so here she was, tending bar or working coffeehouses to pay the bills. For whatever reason these types of jobs made her feel less of a slave to the machine. Must have been the attraction to living on the margins of society. Some accused her to constantly needing to be different, or in some cases, difficult.

It would seem to almost everyone that she had her proverbial shit together. And for the most part, she did. There was one fatal flaw in her character however, and that involved men.

It wasn’t that she always dated them, or frankly even gave them a lot of attention. Sometimes she only visited with them for a laugh, like that night out at one of the local bars. She’d long considered herself a bit of a feminist and was usually opposed to the phenomena known at "Ladies' Night." Let's put a bunch of women in one place, feed them half-priced drinks, and publicize it for all the horny, recently paroled in the area to congregate and see what happens. However, since her friend, DJ Dreamboat, spun records there on Ladies’ Night and his dance parties are notoriously fabulous, she suspended her beliefs on Tuesdays to go and shake her bones with her friends.

That night started off like any other as she enjoyed a couple of drinks and chatted up friends. They hit the dance floor and the first moment she took a break, this dude came running, literally running across the floor and sat at her table. The devil in her thought it had potential for amusement, so she said hi.

She must have forgotten that she was wearing the t-shirt that read: Losers with limited cash flow, this chick wants your attention.

He began, “What you doin' girl?” in that yell-speak hybrid only necessary in a club.
“Dancing with my friends, having a drink,” she said as she tipped her bottle of O’Douls toward him.

“Isn't that some kind of non-alcohol beer?”

Wow, he’s really exceptional, she thought as she rolled her eyes and said, “Yep.”

She’d given up booze several years earlier and it had become a handicap of sorts in some social settings.

After several seconds of awkward silence, he said, “So are you gonna buy me a vodka cranberry?”

Though sometimes dumbfounded, she was rarely speechless. She looked at him blankly. “Why don't you have YOUR friends buy you a drink?”

“They ain't got no mutherfuckin' money either.”

She took a drag of her cigarette and considered all the mean things she could say, like how much fun jobs were or how her friend’s mentally challenged brother had superior social skills.

“I am higher than a mutherfuckin' kite. You smoke weed?”

She tipped her head slightly to the right and before she could muster an answer he blurted out, “You seen that movie, Me, Myself, and Irene?”

She nodded as he continued, “You know that part where he's in the police station and his face gets all...”

She totally quit listening to the douche at that point and nodded when it seemed appropriate. Then suddenly this chick came up and hit him square in the side of the head, making her think she should listen in the hopes that it would get interesting. Too bad it was really hard for her to make out anything they were saying. She was pretty sure she was called a “dumb ho” and he was a “stupid motherfucker.” She really couldn’t disagree with the latter assessment.