Adulting...

I'm trying to remember what I thought my adult life would be like when I was a little kid. I'm pretty sure it was non-stop doing whatever the hell I wanted without consequence. I was never the kid that dreamed about being married or having kids. I never really felt like I fit, so it made sense that I wouldn't want the traditional stuff. I do recall wanting to be a writer since books were my favorite thing. I remember a plan to be a hot dog vendor on Wall Street--my logic was that the people who worked there had a lot of money and would tip really well. I spent most of my childhood imagining I was somewhere else. I even had an imaginary friend named Roy. I sent him to live in New York City and he got a job as a janitor at the Empire State Building. He would toss quarters off the observation deck for me.

I have a good adult life. I'm fairly interesting, have a cool job, good friends, and live with the raddest Bitches on the planet. I've been doing that reflection and growth thing again lately, trying new things, and while I am decent at being uncomfortable, it's really kicked up some shit for me. But Schooly math includes "Uncomfortable + reflection = growth." Schooly math usually kicks in after I've been single for a while. I have to go through the broke and angry phase and just be pissed for awhile. And it's weird, whether or not I was the one pulling the trigger on ending the relationship, I've always felt better when it was over. Maybe some of us just aren't built for the long haul relationship. I don't say that to mean that some of us are innately incapable of having a healthy relationship. Of course, lots of us are damaged, but I really don't think anyone is hopeless. I say that because I think some of us have hit survival mode where we have learned to draw all strength from within and are completely independent.

The shit's really kicked up in the last month or so and I feel open again. Not open like I want a relationship, but open like I feel like me again. I'm getting uncomfortable, trying golf and painting, training for my race, and just being. I even found a renter so I can have some cash to get my kitchen remodel finished instead of staring at it and being angry. If that's not adulting, what the hell is?

I'm busting down my expectations to the roots and just trying to be a decent human every day. Remembering that only good lies before me and knowing that I can figure out how to get through almost anything.