Codogpendence...

Maybe it's too much Elliot Smith or Nick Drake this afternoon, but I am feeling a bit lonely. I know part of me misses Man Friend terribly. He is barely in town for two days each week. And I know we're supposed to have the positive attitude about him having a job and be grateful. We are. It's just hard when you wait 33 years for someone and then he has to leave all the time. I guess five days a week is a flash in the pan when I waited 33 years.

And on some level, the loneliness is my fault. I am quite adept at the self-imposed exile. No offense intended, but I don't really like people generally. Perhaps it's from having to have my smiley face and A game on at work. Perhaps it's because my Anne Frank quality always makes me look for the best in people and time and time again those people have disappointed me. Being hurt is part of being real, so I will take my knocks. And I will still expect the best out of people. I'll take that over being one of those negative Nancy types who expects the worst and then is pisses when she gets it, or as my friend said, "You'd kill your parents and then bitch that you were an orphan."

However my relationships with my fellow humans turn out, I always have the bitches. I have been accused of having a codependent relationship with my dogs. Fuck that. I'll take codogpendence. They listen to my problems so they save me money on therapy. And try to find a shrink who would lick away your tears... Wait maybe that wouldn't be so hard. They also save me money because they are my personal trainers. Two crazy bitches are stellar motivation to get up and go for a run or walk. Plus, they are excellent cuddlers when Man Friend is away. Dogs are capable of unconditional love in a way humans aren't. They never take a bad day out on their human. Fuck even dogs that had nothing but bad days can learn to love humans again.

I know they are wired differently and can be conditioned to be good or bad. But maybe humans should work a little more on conditioning themselves to be good. Maybe I need to start asking myself "What would Alli do?" when I am having a dilemma. Perhaps it would translate into better choices and a better existence for me. I'll just have to keep the translator on so I introduce myself instead of sniff people's asses.