Everyone in my life needs an adult diaper and a helmet...

That really is how it feels sometimes. I know there are plenty of reasonably healthy people in my life. But for whatever reason, I also seem to attract a lot of people who seemingly have no interest in being well. Some just pass through, but others get under my skin, for better or worse. Both my therapist and a very smart, sober friend of mine think part of me enjoys feeling superior to others. Maybe. One of my friends thought what we dubbed my “Anne Frank Quality,” or my uncanny ability to see there is some good in everyone, was to blame. Maybe. I have put up with some insane nonsense.

It’s funny to me how I do tend to associate with people who drink a lot. Although it still makes me angry sometimes, I have accepted that I shouldn’t drink. For the rest of my life. Understood. And I do have sober friends. I just also have drunk ones. Just a few days ago I was asked, “How can you stand this? How do you just laugh and roll along with the drunkenness?” I replied, “At least if you’re drunk I know why you’re an asshole.”

That might be the most honest statement I’ve ever made. I didn’t even think about it, and although it came out as a joke, we all know there is always a bit of truth to a joke.

Life is a journey to get well. That statement makes complete sense or no sense at all. Ultimately, I guess we’re all where we’re at and that’s just how you have to take people. There are a lot of people walking around this planet unconscious. It’s a shame that the wonder and beauty of this existence is so lost on people who are so focused on form.

We’re all just a bunch of atoms, formed in a star so many years ago. A star just like our sun. A star died so here we are. Something is always giving life so something else may live. That is simply the transitory nature of existence.

So do we owe the universe? Do we have some sort of karmic debt to repay? I’m thinking almost like paying rent for our existence. I know there are religions that believe good works or gaining followers will buy one a ticket to eternity. But paying rent seems like such a misnomer since you, as in your form right now, wouldn’t really know if the landlord ever came calling for it.

I don’t even know what I’m getting at here. Adult diapers are made of atoms? As an alcoholic, I have a karmic debt to help others? Should I just sell all my shit and live in the mountains with the bitches until we die from exposure?

It’s a bitch trying to be well but also feeling so negative. I guess it’s just a moment, so I should get over it and try to focus on sleep and a better tomorrow. I promise I’ll share diaper and helmet stories someday.

Because there are better things to do while sitting on the toilet...

It's been a long time. Too damned long, really. I was letting life get me all out of whack and not really sure which way was up. I know you've felt that way yourself. And since I've been all about trying to be a better, more-centered person and not letting my ego run the show anymore, I made a fateful decision.



Last Thursday, I gave up Facebook for 30 days.



Since it was my primary form of contact with a lot of people, it was a little scary to me. I mean, how would I know who was blaming who for what, or who was knocked up, or who hates his/her ________ (insert job/boss/significant other/best friend/parent)? How would I be able to see what all the anti-choice crazies are up to this week without those status updates that alternately sent chills down my spine or made my blood boil?



It started as an innocent little wager with Man Friend. He was always giving me shit for being on my phone all the time. "You Facebooking?" or "You on the Book?" seemed to be the most popular question at my house. And, although I must admit that the amount of asking, while annoying, really made me think about how I was spending my time.



I would check it first thing in the morning. Like while I was peeing and before I made coffee. I would check it at stoplights. I would check it when I was bored at work. I would check it on my break from work. I would check it on commercial breaks while I was watching TV. I would take reading breaks to check it. I would bring my phone everywhere just so I could check the damned Book. And it certainly was the last thing I would check before I went to sleep at night, the bright little screen jacking with my brain just before my head hit the pillow.



A little obsessive, definitely. And a little crazy for a woman who has no trouble admitting that she's an alcoholic and really shouldn't have a drink for the rest of her days on this earth.



There have been many moments in which I had to tell myself to put down the phone and take a couple of breaths. Then I remind myself that ultimately, the universe will tell me the things that I need to hear. The rest is just noise...