That really is how it feels sometimes. I know there are plenty of reasonably healthy people in my life. But for whatever reason, I also seem to attract a lot of people who seemingly have no interest in being well. Some just pass through, but others get under my skin, for better or worse. Both my therapist and a very smart, sober friend of mine think part of me enjoys feeling superior to others. Maybe. One of my friends thought what we dubbed my “Anne Frank Quality,” or my uncanny ability to see there is some good in everyone, was to blame. Maybe. I have put up with some insane nonsense.
It’s funny to me how I do tend to associate with people who drink a lot. Although it still makes me angry sometimes, I have accepted that I shouldn’t drink. For the rest of my life. Understood. And I do have sober friends. I just also have drunk ones. Just a few days ago I was asked, “How can you stand this? How do you just laugh and roll along with the drunkenness?” I replied, “At least if you’re drunk I know why you’re an asshole.”
That might be the most honest statement I’ve ever made. I didn’t even think about it, and although it came out as a joke, we all know there is always a bit of truth to a joke.
Life is a journey to get well. That statement makes complete sense or no sense at all. Ultimately, I guess we’re all where we’re at and that’s just how you have to take people. There are a lot of people walking around this planet unconscious. It’s a shame that the wonder and beauty of this existence is so lost on people who are so focused on form.
We’re all just a bunch of atoms, formed in a star so many years ago. A star just like our sun. A star died so here we are. Something is always giving life so something else may live. That is simply the transitory nature of existence.
So do we owe the universe? Do we have some sort of karmic debt to repay? I’m thinking almost like paying rent for our existence. I know there are religions that believe good works or gaining followers will buy one a ticket to eternity. But paying rent seems like such a misnomer since you, as in your form right now, wouldn’t really know if the landlord ever came calling for it.
I don’t even know what I’m getting at here. Adult diapers are made of atoms? As an alcoholic, I have a karmic debt to help others? Should I just sell all my shit and live in the mountains with the bitches until we die from exposure?
It’s a bitch trying to be well but also feeling so negative. I guess it’s just a moment, so I should get over it and try to focus on sleep and a better tomorrow. I promise I’ll share diaper and helmet stories someday.
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