Domestication...

I’ve been overly domesticated this week. Not a bad thing, it’s just not too often that you’ll find me on my hands and knees scrubbing the toilet with a toothbrush like a tweaker who’s run out of marbles to stack. Come to think of it, I can’t ever say I’ve actually used a toothbrush to clean anything other than my teeth. I’ve washed clothes and dishes, mopped floors, and get rid of books, CDs, and clothes that I no longer use. Shit, I even organized the shelves in the furnace room. I found a bunch of roaches and about 40 spent matches. Yeah, not critter roaches. A nice little reminder of how far I have come.

I even spent some time trying to perfect a recipe like a good little house woman. Man Friend will be getting perfect bacon-wrapped scallops on Sunday thanks to that experiment.

I don’t really think of any of it as nesting since I’ve been here for years. Part of me enjoys the element of control that I can have over my home. I’ve been feeling a little undisciplined as of late and there is something very satisfying about feeling comfortable and uncluttered in your home.

I got a little nutty recently and spent a Sunday afternoon feeling shitty about myself and ended up sitting at the back door crying. Bawling was more like it. Where your face gets all sad and messed up and you get so frustrated with yourself for being dumb and you don’t even really know why you’re crying bawling, but on some level, it is a decent release, so you just go for it bawling. So I did that for a while.

Then I kind of got it together.

Then I fell apart again.

I couldn’t really tell you why. Sometimes everything catches up with me and I’m 19 again and life is overwhelming. Maybe someday I’ll explain myself more.

But when I fell apart again, I could taste gin.

So then there was the conversation with myself about going to the Top Hat. The purpose was to drink gin.

Sigh…

So that conversation went on for a bit and Alli talked me out of it because I promised her she would never see me drink. And since everything was overwhelming and yucky and I didn’t know what to do with myself, I got on my bike.

It was one of those really hot, humid days and I rode and rode as fast as I could. I did sprints up and down the boulevards. And thankfully, I started feeling human again. Sweat is a healer. Whatever the nastiness was that was making me nuts was flowing out my pores.

And when the ride felt like it was done, I sat and faced the sun. I know you’re supposed to listen to hippy dippy music when you meditate, but Tom Petty “Wildflower” seemed appropriate. I don’t know if it was the sun or the sweat or Tom, but when it was all said and done, the thought I left with was that anything worth possessing can be carried within your heart. I think I was feeling a little crushed by my stuff.

So began the domestic journey. Getting 100 items out of the house was just the start. I kept a list to 107 just so I knew that I met my goal. I made a little bank getting rid of some stuff and brought the rest to Goodwill. The nice part was remembering to feel grateful that I had a place to clean instead of being annoyed by having to clean. The smallest shifts in my attitude seem to make the biggest difference.