I rant on occasion. Okay, that’s just a balls out lie. Man Friend can tell you that some of my biggest rants are at the television and they involve sports and political programming. My love to bitch and rant made me start a list of things that so much of the populace seems to dig, but I could give a shit about. So, it’s time to publish a list… we’ll think of it has a critical thinking list…
Mumford and Sons/Modest Mouse
I think I get equally disinterested in a band when celebrities and hipsters proclaim love for it. Maybe I shouldn’t watch an E!News. Maybe it’s because I was never cool enough to be a hipster. Or maybe I just don’t like music that gets filed under M. Although I totally own Maroon 5 as a guilty pleasure and do, in fact, have moves better than Jagger. So you don’t have to tell me which song I need to hear to understand or appreciate the music. I say, eh, and as long as we’re talking music, on to another musical dislike.
Needing to have credit for introducing someone to a musical artist
Someone once claimed to have introduced me to Bob Dylan, even though I had over 10 discs and three concerts under my belt prior to meeting him. I’ve never had a problem recommending music or a book or movies or whatever to someone. If s/he likes it, great, and if not, that’s cool, too. But I’ve known people who will fight over who introduced a band or artist to the friendship. Fucking balls, fight over healthcare reform or whether MJ or LeBron will go down as the greatest, but why argue over who found a band first. It’s like some weird badge of honor and self-importance to some people and I just don’t get it.
Colorado
Everyone around me used to talk about Colorado like it was the promised land. When I lived in Lincoln, lots of people cheered for the CO professional sports teams and talked about how cool Boulder was. And how young and hip everyone was. Then when I moved to So Dak, there was an odd exodus of people moving there. Everyone acted like it was this incredibly cool place filled with micro-breweries, pot, and never-ending fun. But I would read about really conservative, anti-choice politics and think about school shootings and really wonder. To me, it was So Dak with tits, meaning mountains. I’m sure there are lots of amazing people there and amazing scenery, but there also seemed to be a lot of conservative politics from the retired military and megachurch populations. Hello Mr. Haggard! And let’s not get started on the credit card hippies.
I’ve softened a bit on my CO stance and we’ll credit the fine work of Dog Chapman on the Denver episodes for that.
Qudoba
It’s a tortilla. It’s meat. It’s vegetables. I can make something more interesting, cheaper, and more healthful. I should admit that this annoyance primarily comes from a group of stoners I met when I first moved to So Dak and one would always want to “Go to the ‘Dob,” every time he was ripped. He was ripped a lot.
Bacon
Can we please just get over bacon? Having worked in restaurants for years, I am yet to find any chef or cook who is not over the moon for this salty chunk of fat. Then there are the contests devoted to cooking with it and people using it in dessert. Yes, I think everyone should eat less meat and yes, I think hog confinements are deplorable. But this isn’t an ecological or animal welfare argument. I just really don’t think bacon is very good. I will enjoy pork tenderloin from time to time. Bacon is just entirely over-rated. The stupid Facebook memes of piglets as “Bacon Seeds.” Eh. Eh. Eh.
Shopping
This is probably listed more because of my status as a chick. You know how we’re supposed to enjoy shopping and want to spend a whole day doing it? Malls are supposed to be magical and all that retail therapy bullshit? I know exactly what I want when I go shopping, get it, and leave. The only possible exceptions to this are grocery and price club shopping, because checking out other people’s carts is a fascinating, judgmental process. Carts with obese children, those stories write themselves. And as far as price club, it’s mystical to see someone with cheap wine, a bag of pre-cut broccoli, and a gianormous pack of adult diapers. So I guess non-essential shopping is really the eh for me. How many pairs of shoes do you really need? It’s not like the shoes are gonna hug you.
Cars for non-essential transportation
I get that there’s a whole culture of people who fix cars or restore them or race them or whatever. That’s nice for them. I just think it’s really weird. Like I’m sure they think it’s weird that I buy three or four pairs of running shoes every year.
“How I Met Your Mother”
What a stupid show, primarily due to that idiot redheaded girl. Maybe vapid and clueless is funny to some, but she wrecks the whole thing for me. Or maybe my love of Jason Seigel and Neil Patrick Harris made my expectations way too high. Doogie Howser as the ultimate womanizer should be a laugh riot. Sadly, it is not.
William S. Burroughs
I know I’m supposed to be able to separate the art from the artist. I know. And while I will acknowledge that he is a good writer, I just personally can’t get past what a sucky human he was. I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead… Hitler was a vegetarian, so that’s nice. But seriously, Mr. Burroughs, you shot your wife and were a terrible addict. Your son was so messed up he drank himself to death at 33. At some point, the art matters less than the mess he left in his wake.
Ron Paul
If you put a gun to my head, I would probably tell you I am a Libertarian. I really don’t give a fuck what people do. Wanna smoke pot, own an arsenal of firearms or porn, or have access to a medically safe abortion? Go nuts. Grow a field of pot. I don’t care. But so many younger people fell victim to the Ron Paul cult this year. It might be because of his appeal as an alternative candidate or the fact that the man does have principles. But his anti-choice stance will never fly with this chick and the weird racist stuff is just over the top for me. Back to my Libertarianism, I believe in the First Amendment and if someone wants to Join the KKK, they can. But I sure as fuck don’t have to agree with them and am not gonna have my picture taken with them. Yikes. Eh. P.S. Rand is a turd.
Fake holidays
New Year’s Eve, St. Patricks, Cinco de Mayo, and the like. Just gianormous excuses to get wasted. Amateur hour for 24. The professionals don’t need this excuse. It’s not like the chick that shit her pants or the guy throwing up on the boulevard was out to celebrate Catholicism coming to Ireland. And a bunch of white people stumbling around in Dollar Store sombreros…
I give Derby Days a pass here since it is a fake holiday centered around a sporting event. No culture or religion is being ripped off or compromised.
Contemporary church services
Bass guitars and raising your hands to the air doesn’t make it more interesting or fun. It makes it creepy and cult-like. I like my religion old-timey. In all honesty, if I were religious, I think I would go Catholic, if I didn’t have to check so many feminist credentials at the door. Or maybe Jewish. Hmm…
Please don’t hate or send me invites to your super fun service where everybody wears jeans. I believe what I believe and it works for me.
Pregnancy
A couple of teenagers in the backseat of a car trying to get cast on the next season of “Teen Mom” is a real miracle. Almost everyone has the ability to get pregnant or get someone pregnant. (My gay and lesbian friends get a pass here. The work a gay or lesbian couple has to go through to get pregnant is proof of how much they want to parent.) Maybe I’ve gotten a little jaded from hearing too many unplanned pregnancy stories, but I don’t see getting knocked up as much of an accomplishment. Call me when you graduate, set a new PR, or get your dream job.
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