Girl... You'll Be A Woman...

One of Man Friend's friends stopped by the other night. We hadn't seen him in a long time and it was nice to catch up. He used to just live a few blocks away, so I got to know him fairly well last summer and found him to be a really cool, sincere guy. He also works in construction, so he and Man Friend always had plenty to talk about. He had gone through a messy divorce and was sharing custody of his three kids; I always liked to hear stories about what the kids were up to, so naturally, I asked how the kids were.

"Oh good," he said quickly, and then paused. "My oldest daughter got her, you know, period thing," he said and started turning bright red.

You all know I'm evil, so I couldn't help myself and started laughing and kept saying, "Period thing," and laughing demonically.

I forgot how much a period can freak a dude out.

I always look at periods like a gift since it means you're not knocked up.

I forgot how much a period can freak a dude out. Like really freak a dude out. Even a cool-headed, incredibly loving father-type dude.

Especially a dude who didn't have sisters to torment him about periods or make him understand that tampons in the bathroom cupboard aren't scary. You'd think tampons were live grenades the way some guys shrink in fear at the sight of a feminine product.

So of course our poor single dad friend didn't have any products in the house. He started calling his mom, his ex-wife, his girlfriend, anyone with ovaries who might help. Of course, it was the one time no one in his contact list with experience riding the crimson wave was answering their phone.

He did what any good dad would do. He headed to Walmart. I'm sure the only pads he'd ever bought in his life were brake pads, so I can only imagine the level of anxiety on that trip.

"Did she come with you?" I asked.

"No, I told her hang tight and not sit on the couch."

More demonic laughter from this bitch, like a little seventh grade girl's first period is gonna be something like the elevator blood scene in "The Shining" or maybe the locker room scene from "Carrie?" Do guys learn about periods from Stephen King novels? This is a problem. And a mandate for comprehensive sex ed in our schools.

"So she just stayed in the bathroom?" I asked.

"I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO!" he replied, still blushing.

"So you went to Walmart..."

"Yes, I went to Walmart..."

"And a lady who worked there helped you?"

"Well, I asked her if all the pad things were the same and she said they were."

"OH MY GOD," I said, "Did you buy the poor little thing foot-long, inch-thick pads with wings? They are not all the same! Did you get pads that were the size of her thigh?"

Of course there was a thought of poor little girl, I'm sure she was embarrassed and scared. But then I also thought, they got through it. She can ask her mom any old questions she wants when she's at her house. And her dad handled it the best he could, even if he still thinks...