What's up, bitches?

I’ve been called out a few times recently for my love of using the word “bitch.” Sigh. It’s a little amazing what some people let knot up their panties.

Obviously it’s a word I use a lot. I’m not one to be easily offended by words, after all, words only have the power you give them. To me, the offensiveness of a word lies more in the tone that the speaker uses. If I walk up to a group of my friends (mixed gender expression) and say, “Hey bitches!” I’ll bet you American dollars they won’t care. Or if am telling a story about my fur babies that starts with, “You’ll never guess what the bitches did today,” I promise it will be the same story. You, dear reader, certainly don’t care, as you’ve chosen to read this blog. It isn’t like the time when I worked at an after-school program and a first grader, whose parents were going through a rough divorce, referred to me as a “fucking bitch” as he threw a block at me.

But my whole point here is that most of the time when I am using the word, it is in reference to the female canines that live with me. Perhaps technically, they are altered females, since I decided they wouldn’t be mommas and had them spayed. But I think that is sort of like telling a woman who had a hysterectomy that she is no longer really a woman. Alli and Joey will always be bitches to me. Bitches. The plural of bitch, which, I am using correctly according to Merriam Webster’s website: www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bitch .

Definition of BITCH
1
: the female of the dog or some other carnivorous mammals
2
a : a lewd or immoral woman b : a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman —sometimes used as a generalized term of abuse
3
: something that is extremely difficult, objectionable, or unpleasant
4
: complaint
See bitch defined for English-language learners »
See bitch defined for kids »

Examples of BITCH
1. That word is a bitch to spell.
2.

Origin of BITCH
Middle English bicche, from Old English bicce
First Known Use: before 12th century

Related to BITCH
Synonyms: beef, complaint, bleat, carp, fuss, grievance, gripe, grouch, grouse, grumble, holler, kvetch, lament, miserere, moan, murmur, plaint, squawk, wail, whimper, whine, whinge [British], yammer


So all the synonyms are related to the verb. I guess they didn’t want to put in slut, hussy, or any of the thousands of women of historical/intellectual/spiritual importance from Eve to Hilary Clinton who have had to bear the brunt of its negative meaning.

Interestingly, if you click on the definition of bitch for kids… drumroll…



One entry found for bitch.

Main Entry: bitch
Pronunciation: bich
Function: noun
: a female dog


I guess kids only get to know that a bitch is a girl dog. I couldn’t imagine where they would possibly learn about definitions of bitch other than a student dictionary anyway. I almost want to ask some of those super sheltered, home-schooled kids, like a pack of the Duggars and ask them what a bitch is. They might be on my side…

It isn’t my fault that society has taken a word and made it insulting or negative. I am probably overbearing and immoral to many people, so call me a bitch. I’d wear that title with pride since the same aggressiveness or moral code would make me someone else’s hero.

And you don’t need to call me out, yes, the blog title is a little tongue in cheek. I’m one of those people that should be taken with a shaker of salt at times. My use of bitch is at times playful, at times serious, and most of the time, literal.

So bitches, it’s colder than a bitch tonight, and it’s time for me to go snuggle up with my bitches.

Pan and Scan...

I was flipping channels the other day, which anymore seems like checking out the same edition of SportsCenter or avoiding The Jersey Shore or some reincarnation of The Kardashians, and actually came upon something about which I had nearly forgotten. Turner Classic Movies. I’m no expert on cinema, nor am I some type of Luddite longing for the days of yore. Over the years, TMC has reminded me that there are so many great old movies, especially musicals, and last Sunday, it taught me a bit about life.

There was a short feature, probably only 12 to 15 minutes, in which several well-known directors such as Curtis Hanson and Martin Scorsese discussed the film editing technique known as “pan and scan.” Since movies were always shot in the wide-screen format for play in the theater, the directors made the cuts and edits in a way in which their stories unfolded across the width of the screen. Pan and scan came into play to make movies fit onto television screens. The issue the directors had with it was that it altered the original composition of the film as the pan and scan editor could lose over 40% of the original image as they focused on what their perceptions of the most important part of the image. It was really eye opening to see the wide-screen images of classic movies, like “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers,” with the pan and scan image highlighted over the original wide-screen image. So much of the choreography was lost, which had a definite impact on the story.

It dawned on me that a lot of us live our lives in a pan and scan format. We all have big stories about the places and people that move in and out of our lives. We really do. I don’t care if you’ve travelled the world or barely left the county in which you grew up. The stories are there. What is interesting is how we edit them. It’s how we perceive the truths around us. Living in pan and scan is probably the ultimate story of missing the forest for the trees. Maybe editing yourself to try and keep the focus on your best parts is a nice safety net. And of course there are some things you don’t need to share with the world. But for my money, the most interesting things are often tucked away in the corners, just waiting to be explored.

Peanut Butter Shorthairs...

I ran into a former co-worker today. Well, I waited on her, so I guess I didn’t really “run” into her. Full disclosure here, kids. Since we’re both busy people, the primary form of contact we have is Facebook. Funny thing, the Book. I have a tendency to post things and figure people don’t really look at it unless they make a comment or say they like it. She was the third person of the morning that mentioned the picture I posted of the biscuits I made for the bitches. Yes, the bitches do get homemade treats just cuz they are sexy.

They also get homemade treats cuz Man Friend bought us a doggie treat cookbook for Christmas. Know me well, he does.

The actual treats were called “Peanut Butter Shortbreads” and for a second I thought about getting a Pointer cookie cutter made and calling them “Peanut Butter Shorthairs.” Okay, maybe I will still do that since it would be the cutest thing since Michelle Tanner.

It was really funny while I was making the treats. It was a simple recipe, just some whole wheat flour, all-purpose flour, baking power, peanut butter, and milk. Bam. I couldn’t help but wonder if they would end of tasting something like what I imagined a diabetic peanut butter cookie would taste like…

Yes, I tried the dough.

Thick, grainy peanut butterishness. It wouldn’t be good in Ben and Jerry’s.

Nothing amazing, but when I went to the other room to put the first batch on the cooling rack, the dough was good enough for Joey to counter cruise and grab a couple uncooked bites.

Whore.

They didn’t really smell delicious, like when I have a cookie or cake in the oven. I doubted the neighbor kids would come running if I put them in the window to cool. For those of you who thought I live in the central part of a small Midwestern city, you’re wrong. I actually live in an Antebellum novel. At any rate, with the bitches’ excitement while eating the treats, I kinda wanted to try the biscuit.

I know it’s kind of weird.

I didn’t try one. Yet.

I Don't Have 99 Problems But, In Fact, Two Are Bitches...

The past few months have been hard. Everybody has problems, I know. This isn’t a story about trying to one up or play down problems. I know that nothing about my struggles, as few as they really are, is overly interesting or complicated. If I have figured out anything at all, it’s that the problems themselves aren’t singular. Everyone experiences hurt, pain, or loss. It’s the reaction that is singular. The piece of the puzzle that we actually have the ability to control is where it gets personal and thankfully, I have been able to cling to my inner Anne Frank and hope that things will get better.

It was sort of a chain reaction of things, which started when I took the LSAT and screwed up my answer sheet when I was skipping around one of the sections. Sigh. School stuff was usually pretty predictable for me. I wouldn’t say I was completely prepared, but I had done some practice tests and stuck my head in a Kaplan book, so I knew what to expect.

I didn’t expect to feel like an animal in a cage, the cage being a tiny desk in which I couldn’t even cross my legs without turning to the side. The cage being in a room with no natural light. Blah, blah, blah. This could go on with excuses for why I fucked up, but in the end it was just my being sloppy. Most people can be sloppy for less than $139 and a Saturday. The weird part was that I felt like I had screwed up as I was leaving the testing room. I should have listened to my guts and just cancelled the score. But the little optimist in me thought I was just tired and brain fried.

So I held on to that hope in the three weeks waiting for the emailed result. Since the email was sent to the account linked to my James Bond phone, I knew the instant the unofficial result arrived. I was at work. You know, that place where I have to be nice to people and take care of their needs to get money. I should have waited till the end of my shift to look, but of course I took a quick peek and was certain that it was all a huge mistake. So I walked around in a daze until the end of the night, when I got home to Man Friend and had the standard “Maybe I am just a big fucking idiot” meltdown. Lots of stomping around the house, scaring the bitches, and such, basically acting the fool because I didn’t get what I wanted, when and how I wanted. Bathe in the self-pity, you silly girl.

Then we threw in the impending gray season. Oh gray season. October is when it usually starts for me for so many reasons, but the hot weather and sunshine that fueled my runs, rides, and happiness begins to fade away. Even though this winter has been quite warm, I find myself longing for a muggy morning run to push out the toxins and bond with the bitches.

Speaking of the bitches, these were two of my problems. I love them. You know this. It goes without saying, but I feel the need to repeat myself. I love them. They just weren’t getting along.

There had been little scraps over toys or food once Joey was taller than Alli. There could be five toys lying on the floor and they would scrap over one. Alli destroyed some of Man Friend’s stuff. She chewed up two of his phones, a stocking cap, a baseball cap, and a wallet. If Alli would take something of his and destroy it, there was never a fight. If Joey took something of mine, like a hair clip, Alli would go after her. This seemed to be the only pattern and it never made sense because an hour later, they would be sleeping in a pile on the pappasan chair.

They would go months without incident and then try to kill each other. There was bloodshed, both canine and human. I now have a lovely scar on my wrist from the straw that broke the camel’s back in November.

After several bites and several hundred tears, I decided that one of the bitches wasn’t going to live with us anymore. It was like Sophie’s Choice without Nazis. I knew who to ask to take one of my girls, I just didn’t know how to pick which one.

“How are you deciding which one to get rid of?” was the most commonly asked question. I wanted to rip people’s faces off when they asked that. You get rid of bad habits or trash. These were my beautiful babies that I had fed, run, and loved since they were puppies.

I thought about that day in the pre-Joey era when Alli and I were walking down 15th Street and I realized I didn’t own her, and more importantly, she taught me that I really didn’t own anything but my spirituality. The house, the books, the pots and pans, the people in my life could all be taken from me. I was just lucky enough that the furry little spirit named Alli had chosen to walk through my life.

And part of my heart wondered if she had chosen to walk out of it.

Arrangements were made, introductions happened, but in the end, I just couldn’t let one go. The lady just wasn’t dirty enough without two bitches. And hope took over.

Hope is that thing. It floats and rises to the top. It triumphs over experience. It’s a tricky one, hope. It will make the battered wife believe he won’t hit her again. It will make the parent believe his drug-addicted child only stole from him once.

Once when I worked at the Public Defender’s Office, I answered the phone and the caller asked for Hope. Those of you in the know are aware that at that time, Hope worked on the other side of Dakota Avenue, at the State’s Attorney. I couldn’t resist.

“There’s no Hope here.”

And god, at times it felt like there wasn’t. But sometimes it was the most hopeful place on earth, cause even with the weight of the world against you, sometimes things worked out all right.

This time hope came in the form of a co-worker. I hadn’t been eating and was so distracted I walked into traffic and was almost hit by a car. I couldn’t believe how painful the process of letting go was and apparently it was written all over my face. She suggested a dog behavioralist and I decided to go for it. I would be a pretty shitty person if I didn’t do everything I could to try and keep our little pack together.

So now I’m learning. The dog trainer’s whole concept is that he doesn’t fix dogs, he fixes people. I guess I made the connection that my dogs see me as a dog and I was doing all sorts of shit to confuse them, which led to the weird aggression issues. We’ve set up a new diet for them and I’m putting myself first. Yeah, put myself first. I’ve never had an issue being a leader among the human sect when it was needed, but for some reason, I think my intense love for animals set me up to put their needs first. Like humans eat first. It’s just my instinct to feed them first because I thought if they were fed and happy, then I could enjoy my meal. Nope, turns out they actually respect you when you eat first and then go to them, in their dominant order. And I am actually seeing the results. I used to think it was cute when they would stare me down and beg for a scrap while I was cooking or eating. Turns out I was letting them dominate me. Sigh. They’ve been kicked out of the human bed and have time outs, like little kids. All in the name of making me the alpha leader of the pack.

Granted, we are just getting going with all this, but Joey seems to be having an easier time than Alli. I’ve also had four more years to screw Alli up, so I guess that’s to be expected. So far, I am happy with the way things are going and looking forward to seeing what else we can do. I’m hopeful that my original vision of many more miles and years of wagging will come to fruition.

This Is About A Lot More Than Football, Kids...

Joe Pa supposedly spent a life encouraging people, demanding the best from them. This is what the great coaches do, right? The motivator, the one who gets the results, the championships. The one for whom kids dream of playing.

I saw lots of this when I was an undergrad at Nebraska. Tom Osbourne was heading out and it was really amazing to watch the way students stood in reverence of him. I had the chance to meet him when I worked with the summer conference program and I found him to be a calm, warm person. I’m sure a few players witnessed a different side over the years, but since I was also someone who had been in the position of being coached, I had also been in the position of being yelled at by coaches.

The only reason I came into contact with Coach Osbourne was that he stopped by the registration area when we were checking in kids for the football camps. And the high school athletes were starstuck by him. It wasn’t the awe with which my fellow students spoke of him, but rather the cheese-out moment of seeing someone you truly admire, like when I had a convo with Dave Eggers.

The admiration of the kids was earned. They believed in the story, the magic, the tradition. They got to meet the legend and just maybe the legend would be impressed with how they worked at camp. Maybe someday they would be part of the program. I’m sure this scene played out at the big football schools all over the county, whether it was Ohio State, USC, Alabama, or Penn State.

Oh Penn State. What a firestorm you find yourself embroiled in now. The media reports of the students supporting Paterno and rioting at the announcement of his firing made me sick to my stomach. I understand that he was your hero. I get it. I’m sure some of you decided to attend the University because you wanted to be a part of the game day traditions. You could get an education many places, but being part of that football tradition was special, maybe almost sacred to you.

Time to re-evaluate what’s sacred.

I’m usually not the one to get all Nancy Grace when it comes to criminal matters, but this one got me. The NY Times website posted the grand jury transcripts from Jerry Sandusky’s indictment. For the sake of my mental health, I can’t read those right now. When morality gets tossed out the window for the sake of winning or tradition, it’s time to change.

Rick Reilly at ESPN.com wrote an excellent commentary on the 2nd of November regarding these allegations. “If these boys were molested, groped and raped by a middle-aged ex-Penn State football coach, then whatever misjudgment Paterno made will be a single lit match compared to the bonfire these boys will walk in for years to come,” he wrote.

And even if they can tame the bonfire, the shame and guilt that unfairly now follows them can be like walking on hot coals for the rest of their lives. You may learn to manage it, but it’s like a virus that stays with you. The reality of the matter is, when someone is sexually abused, molested, or raped, a part of them dies. Lots of people are victims of crime, but if your carjacked, you don’t spend 24 hours a day in the car. You can get a new car. If they store you work in is robbed, you don’t live a life behind that counter. You can find another job. When your body is violated, you can never leave the scene of the crime. And that pesky guilt and shame will make you feel like a shell of who you were, so you do whatever to numb it or fill it, whether it’s booze or drugs or food or sex or gambling.

I am proud of accusers in this case for having the courage to come forward. For a lot of victims, a part of them that dies is the ability to trust anyone or anything, so having faith in the system to bring justice would have been almost impossible. Throw in the hero worship of a college football program. I am so glad they are finding the strength to take their lives back. I also hope they are able to find the power for forgiveness since that will be a key to letting the pain go.

I don’t know what Paterno was thinking. He could have saved a lot of people a lot of pain if he had worried more about the health and safety of these children than winning football games. He has 17 grandchildren, so statistically speaking, one of them was or will be a victim of a sex crime. All of you know someone who has been a victim, whether or not it’s something that’s discussed. I can’t help but wonder what his attitude would be if one of his children or grandchildren was alleging abuse.

Strange Days

Election days always get me. Part of me loves the drama of it all, especially it there is something of interest at stake, like the personhood (spell check doesn't think it's a word either, assfaces) nonsense in Mississippi. Another part of me finds the whole thing ridiculous, with equal parts humor and agony. Maybe it’s all the leading up to the day and momentum that’s just so damned tiring. I swear people who work on campaigns must be the most sleep-deprived adrenaline junkies ever. I don’t recall whom, but somebody once said D.C. was Hollywood for ugly people. I know the hit was meant at physical imperfections, but perhaps s/he was on to something a bit deeper.

It just seems like anything emotionally charged brings out the worst in many of us. I’m included in the collective us. No free rides here. I say awful things about politicians, business leaders, athletes, well frankly, anyone in the news with whom I don’t agree or find offensive. And I say offensive things about them, albeit for humor or just plain meanness.

Remember the photo of Michele Bachmann eating the corn dog at the fair? Not so much eating it, as fellating it. And it wasn’t just any corn dog, it was a “We grow ‘em big in Iowa” fair dog. Her squinty little demon eyes formed into a mixture half pleasure, half agony as she took on that monster. Never have I been more thankful for camera phones.

All the instant media has gotten us into weird territory, where no one believes anyone without proof. One time I posted a FB status about wearing sweats with a hole in the butt and moonboots while walking the bitches. It happened and I share these things out of need for a laugh and attention, but one of my friends said he needed photos or it didn’t happen. It’s odd to think that memory, as factually flawed as it may be at times, is no longer a contract among friends.

This instant media also means that we live in a world with no missteps and since perfection isn’t selling, I guess we all get called out for the stupid things we do and say, whether it’s on a national stage and your detractors are using it against you, or whether you’re the chick whose topless, drunken antics from the party ended up as social networking gold.

So are we all just a bunch of bullies? Has the attack and react thought process that seems to sate our needs for instant gratification stunted us? So I go for a run or bake something or read and just generally try to stay as far away from the TV and internet as long as possible, until it’s time to post something…

Not A Pussy Amongst Us

This past Sunday I took part in a time-honored tradition, the family picture. It got me thinking about old family pictures that I’ve seen and when I say old, I mean sod house, get the kids out of the field, no one smiles because Ma’s vagina is tired from Irish twins type of picture. Always extremely posed and everyone dressed in the best clothes they had, but never a smile amongst them. Apparently, the lack of smiles wasn’t because life was hard, but rather due to the slowness of exposure time, which in early photos, was up to 10 minutes. Yeah, can you imagine the fake smile that anyone could hold for 10 minutes? (Coincidentally, I may be looking for that fakeness at the GOP debates tonight.)

But back to my current family photos, with our digital cameras and instant gratification. Since my little bro, Tiny T, is a photographer, we had access to all the equipment we would need, plus his fabulous mother-in-law agreed to come along and snap the group shot.

I should have known this would be a partial cluster fuck, just by virtue of it being an all-family activity. It’s intrinsic.

It all started when my mother sent out an email “Calling all kids and dogs.” I didn’t have to ask, I know that adding the dogs to the photo was her ploy to make me feel involved and want to be there. I am very grateful that she understands how much the bitches mean to me and that they are my children. Both of my brothers have spouses and kids, so they have their little families going on and inevitably, the big photo always turns into little group photos of the off-shoots of the family and without my bitches, I am a headshot that would probably make a good obituary photo. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life, my bitches, and Man Friend, but those solo moments are simply a reminder that I am solo. Family stuff like that is tricky. I have a tendency to believe that you make your family. Family doesn’t have to have a legal binding or shared gene pool. That doesn’t compute with a lot of people.

So I was really glad that Momma M asked for the dogs to be involved. Here’s the fun part: Logistics. The family consists of 11 humans and six dogs. Five of said humans are children aged six or less. Two of said children have not yet one year under their belts. The oldest dog would be my Alli and she’s only six. Dixon the terrier who thinks he’s a Dane is close behind her in age and what he lacks in size, he makes up for in panache. Add Joey, a third GSP named Ranger, the Lab puppy Magnum, and Buddy, the world’s biggest Golden, and you have a busy photo.

In actuality, the fun started before I even left town. The plan was to take the pics at 5:00 p.m. at the park in Dell Rapids. That’s where my mom grew up and my brother and his family live now, so there’s some history there. Anyhoo, since there is an issue of chronic lateness with us and since I was double-booked for the evening, I wanted to make sure the pics started promptly at five. So I sent out a text that said, “Can we please start promptly at five tonight cuz I have another comittment. Thx.”

I said please and thank you. But somehow it turned into a couple shitty texts in which someone told me to not come and I said I wouldn’t if it wouldn’t hurt my mother’s feelings. I wasn’t in the mood for a speech about how we haven’t had a family pic since December 1988.

So then I ended up on the phone with the other brother and then he was calling the mother and then the other brother was calling him and the first brother was calling me again. But the good part was that everyone was on the road to Dells by four, so things looked good for my start time.

The second part of the agreement was that the humans would wear jeans, or denim pants as Momma M might say, and either a brown or navy shirt or sweater. I had a fabulous pair of skinny Levi’s, some boots, and this really cute almost cowl-neck, low slung brown sweater that was super cute when I was getting ready. It wasn’t super cute when I got out of the car and the wind was gusting.

There I was, trying to walk the dogs up to the bath house, them pulling like mad cuz they wanted to go in the river and run in the park. I wasn’t interested in wet dogs since we were there for business. Then Alli slipped her leash.

At this point, I have Joey in one hand and a leash in the other, and my sweater isn’t covering anything. Everyone knows that I am wearing a gray Vicky’s push-up bra. I am Tits McGee. And I am screaming like a banshee, hoping to keep Alli out of the river.

She ran into the bath house and under the bath house, but thankfully came back dry. Then they saw Dixon and tangled me up in their leashes. I dropped about six f-bombs and threw an Oscar-worthy fit. Between the stress of the whole mess, the text fight, wind, leaves, Tits McGee, and dog leashes wrapped around my legs chaos, I had a meltdown. I think I screamed something about not wanting to fucking be there. Sigh. At least I don’t suppress my emotions anymore.

Thankfully, my dad grabbed Alli and got me untangled. And Tiny T was ready to take pics of me and the bitches. His wife had to tuck my sweater into the back of my bra to keep the pornographic element out of the shot. Somehow, in just a few clicks of the camera, Two Bitches and a Dirty Lady were captured.

The big group shot wasn’t quite as smooth. Every time the kids were set, a dog would move, or vice versa. A couple times, Joey, who was in my lap, would start licking baby Will’s face, which he thought was great, since he loves the bitches. But then they wouldn’t be looking at the camera and would be blocking me. The camera just kept clicking and I’m guessing the outtakes might be better than the actual shots. Momma M kept messing with my sweater. We certainly weren’t grumpy-faced and holding frowns for 10 minutes.

I’ll post some pics when the editing is complete. It’ll probably end up being a holiday photo or something. As we were taking the pic I realized what a dog family we truly are and think that “Not A Pussy Amongst Us” might be the perfect caption for the fiasco.