Coupon This

“Extreme Couponers” is on and I find the show absolutely fascinating in such a weird way. It’s turned into a guilty pleasure of mine for so many reasons, partly because the whole concept is so incredible to me. I can’t lie, it also makes me feel good about myself. I love things that make me feel good about myself. Sweet self-righteousness…

Kelly, who was featured tonight, called out the viewers by saying that extreme couponers aren’t hoarders who buy things just to get a deal. Um, okay. In the same segment, her husband talked about the rush she gets from her couponing trips, not to mention the fact that she looked like she just took a hit off a crack pipe as she walked out of the store. So maybe you’re an addict, not a hoarder? Don’t get me wrong, getting 31 cents back from the store and filling your minivan with 1,300 dollars worth of shit is quite an accomplishment, but you still drive a minivan and have turned your spare room into something akin to a fallout shelter. Then again I’m not sure what good 100 tubes of Colgate or 55 containers of BBQ sauce would do after a nuclear holocaust. After the bomb drops, I’d want to be with Rebecca, who has boxes of something called “beef chunks” in her garage. Yes, I said boxes. Not sure how the tortured cows ended up in boxes that don’t require refrigeration and frankly, it isn’t something I want to think about for long.

It’s not that I don’t want to use coupons, it’s just that I don’t tend to see coupons for the things I buy. Ever see a coupon for fresh produce? Organic milk? Ethically-raised meat? You see what I’m getting at here. Plus, I couple of years ago, I drank the Melalueca Kool-Aid, so I buy all my cleaning and household products that way. The less chemicals in this house and in our bodies, the better. You’ll never find 40 gallons of bleach in this basement.

I know one of the big arguments for this stockpiling behavior is the cost of raising a family. Granted, I have no experience there. The bitches aren’t so fussy about their kibble or treats. I get their food for about a dollar a pound. I’m sure that’s expensive to the coupon ladies, but Alli has a few allergies and the wrong food gave new meaning to “the shits.” My kitchen looked like, well, let’s just say there were shitty paw prints on the backdoor and it’s probably the closest thing I’ve ever experienced to ‘Nam. But back to the kid thing, I guess what I don’t understand is that no one ever said raising kids was cheap. And why feed these kids that you love all that cheap, processed crap? You’re feeding them cancer, heart disease, and obesity.

I do wanna punch this Rebecca in the face for one thing. One of her amazing deals was on travel-sized shampoo. She bought 77 containers. What a fucking waste of plastic. I would like to know if she recycles all that plastic. And back at her compound, she even said it was often cheaper to buy new air fresheners instead of the refills. Could these chicks be half as concerned about saving the planet as they are about saving money?

I guess my idea of a super consumer is one who consumes as little as possible. All these ladies I see on the show drive vans and trucks and have houses large enough to store hundred and sometimes thousands of extra items. What a wasteful existence. It just seems like another example of putting stuff and money before people and when that’s out of balance, good luck finding a coupon for happiness.

Maybe I’m just full of myself, but I think the bitches would always put me first. And it’s bigger than the fact that I give them food and water. They stay right next to me when I’m sick. They lick my tears away when I’m sad. They tell me which people are trustworthy. And they’re the best running buddies I’ve ever had.