I always saw a feminist as someone who believed in equality and was strong and independent. The idea of a feminist as a man-hater never made any sense to me, especially since I knew men who embraced feminist ideals or defined as feminists themselves.
The one thing about my beliefs that didn’t compute was that, until the age of 28 or so, I really felt like I needed to be in a relationship. For all the rhetoric about self-sufficiency and independence, I had no confidence in my ability to be alone and frankly, made poor choices about the type of men I dated.
After the long-term relationship that nearly left me bankrupt in literal and figurative ways, I was hell bent on being single and embraced the idea that if Alli was the love of my life, I was blessed with more love than a lot of people. I focused on myself and tried to figure out who I wanted to be. The best part was the change in thinking that came about naturally. Putting myself first has allowed me to discover my own interests and have an attitude of “Maybe I would enjoy that” instead of “I probably couldn’t or shouldn’t do that.” I tried shooting handguns, got some fabulous tattoos, adopted Joey, ran a half marathon, took yoga classes, started writing again, and discovered that cake decorating is a fabulously good time. I was able to not work as much and re-connect with my friends, but more importantly, myself.
Sure, I dated here and there, but never really felt that love connection. There were the Match.com disasters. The odd part was, for the first time in my life, I was totally okay with being alone. I had enough sobriety and time to be okay with myself and realized that figuring out who I was would be an ongoing process that could very well last my entire life. I’d been through enough bullshit to appreciate that the occasional loneliness of single life was better than the stress of the relationships I chose.
Then I learned of my Man Friend. Our mutual friend, DJ Extra Chromosome, wanted us to meet for a while. He would send these ridiculous texts about his having found a gigolo for me. He was half-joking cuz he is always half-joking, but who doesn’t need a gigolo sometimes? But, since I was in my “strong feminist girl is finding herself” phase and was slightly scared from the Match.com fiascos, I always declined. By chance, we ran into each other on Halloween. He was Michael Jackson, I was Princess Leia Slave Girl. He said he was a misogynist. I think he was pleasantly surprised I knew what that meant. I said I was a feminist. Apparently we both enjoy a challenge because we have been getting to know each other ever since.
So now Man Friend has to spend most of the week out of town for work. Of course I’m glad he has a job and likes to work, I never realized how attractive that quality is until I met him, but damn, I do miss him. The old me would have thought missing him would make me less of a feminist. But it really makes me feel more whole as a person. I’m happy to want him in my life.
The bitches love him. Alli did right from the start. That’s how I knew he was a good egg. Sometimes she takes a while to warm up to people, but she picked him for me. Now, Monday comes and she’s holed up on the couch, looking forlorn because she knows Man Friend will be gone for a few days. I think she understands that he’s coming back; I guess it doesn’t really matter. I like the simplicity of her view of the situation: pout a bit, then get on with the week as normal, and wag that tail so hard your butt shakes when you get to see him on Friday.
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